My Random Blog

Tonight I had the joy of waiting on the most ridiculous woman I’ve seen in a while. And being that I’m fighting off a cold, I wasn’t able to put on my shiny face and hide my disdain for her. Not that she was smart enough to know what my problem was with her anyway.

Seated at a booth with her husband, she proceeded to stretch out her nasty, bare legs across the bench seat and sit with her back to the wall. A grown ass woman in a sit-down restaurant. Then she hopped on her cell phone and never stopped yapping into it. Not even when her food was in front of her. Her poor husband just sat there staring at his plate and eating quietly, like he was alone at the table.

How fucking low class can a person be? Restaurants are NOT your living rooms, people. Putting your feet up and blabbing into your phone is not acceptable restaurant behavior. If you don’t know this, you need to stick to drive-throughs and taco stands.

Peace and READ THIS.

P.S. This is my 100th post.

According to What’s My Blog Rated? My blog is rated “R”. I’m not exactly surprised. Evidently they look for certain words and base your rating on how potty your writing is. The offending words, however, were not what I expected:

1. Shit - I say fuck WAY more than I say shit and it didn’t make the list. What the fuck?

2. Bitch - They found bitch 4 times, evidently. I do loooove my bitches.

3. Pain - Really? Perhaps they think I like a good spanking. Hmmm…

4. Steal - I’m confused by that one.

On that note, I was checking out what people type into Google that ends up leading them here. (Keyphrase and Keyword analysis, to my fellow blog nerds.) I haven’t tested them out myself, as I don’t want someone tracking my I.P. as I type freaky shit into search engines, but some of what got people here was interesting. If not a bit baffling. Below you will find my personal favorites:

drunk
lara flynn boyle up the ass
husband beatdown
prison personals
butt cheeks
best dick friend suck
why people jerk off in public
old lady bikini photo
hangover
I spank my gay boyfriend
old butt cheeks

Um, best dick friend suck? What does that even mean? And I don’t know who searches for “old butt cheeks” but that lara flynn boyle thing made me throw up in my mouth a little. At least drunk and hangover were right on the money.

Peace and Google abuse.

EDIT:

Just ran my blog through again and I am now going places.

I saw (well, heard) this on another Random blog and felt horribly compelled to share. If you make it all the way through with your mouth closed- you’re amazing.

Peace and ca-ray-zee bitches.

What the hell is going on with the lips of celebrities? More importantly- where the hell are the FRIENDS of these women, to tell them how fucking ridiculous they look?

This started getting on my nerves with Lara Flynn Boyle. I’ve gotten used to the fact that someone needs to tie her down and shove carbs up her ass, but when I saw her on the show “Las Vegas” with those over-inflated lips, I couldn’t stand to watch anymore. I cannot stand to watch anything with her in it. She’s way too small to have lips that big stuck to her.

The next time I was offended by a pair of face eaters was when I tuned into Boston Legal and got a load of Delta Burke’s face. What the hell happened to it? It, literally, took me almost the entire episode to realize who she even was! Is there really no one in her life who likes her enough to stage a plastic surgery intervention? Has no one taken a lesson from Joan Rivers? I can totally understand not wanting to be wrinkly and old, but come on. When you start looking like an alien version of yourself- it’s time to get some help.

I never thought I’d see this madness on Courney Cox. I guess no one is immune to the brain warping of Hollywood. She has not only done damage to her otherwise beautiful face by going overboard with the fat lip craze, she now sounds like she’s drunk when she speaks. Her lips just kind of sit there while her jaw moves around.

Last but not least… The woman who made this whole post possible… Last night, while watching Ghost Whisperer, I was visually assaulted by the “lips” of the once beautiful Nikki Cox. It was so distracting, not to mention repulsive, that I could not even tell you what the story was even about. I just kept wondering over and over again, how the hell Jay Moher LOOKS at her every day and doesn’t either laugh or cry?

The whole practice is just insane. Tweaking your face until you look like a cartoon character just doesn’t make sense to me. And how sad it must be to have no one in your life that will be honest with you. I can guarantee that if I showed up somewhere with lips twice the size of my head, my girlfriends would not hesitate to tell me to knock that shit off, AFTER they picked themselves up off the floor from laughing.

Peace and the lips God gave you.

I was just going through the spam in my Akismet filter, or as I like to call it: Porn Central, and ran across a couple of links that took me a little by surprise.

Now I’m no stranger to porn. I’m old enough to have seen my share of sex that real people don’t have, as well as some of what celebrities have put out there. (Pam & Tommy Lee… 2 thumbs up. Paris & Rick Solomon… Don’t ever do that again.) So when I’m scanning Porn Central, I’m rarely ever shocked, let alone confused. Today, however, two items got my attention. And since it is not an option for me to click their links to see what the hell, I will just keep wondering- but not before I share it with you:

One… What the hell is a “Foot Job”?? And two… Who’s out there with a hankering for a “Bitch Slap Video”??

I don’t think I really wanna know, but those were things that definitely had to come back out.

Peace and just the sex please.