My Random Blog

I had so much fun last night! I feel like total and complete ass today but it was worth it.

I met up with some friends at a restaurat/bar for some cocktail goodness. I usually avoid tequila like I do bees, but it being Cinco de Mayo and all, I felt compelled to go for it. Patron Silver, very cold, is SO good. However, it’s a very good thing I don’t drink it often. I’m pretty sure the bartender was trying to kill us all, as the shots were quite large. Tequila either agrees with me (I’m happy) or doesn’t (I’m violent). Luckily, last night, it agreed.

As I got to my car at the first place I noticed that my driver’s side-view mirror had been broken. It was just hanging there, pitifully. I’m guessing that some drunk asshole broke it by stumbling into it. My poor car has been through hell. This was icing on the cake. So I had to drive to the next place (fave watering hole) with my mirror swinging in the wind.

So we get to the next place and I’m pissed off about my mirror and I walk in bitching about it. Some cute guy heard me and said he could fix it. And he meant right NOW. So I followed him out to the parking lot where he proceeded to get a giant box of tools out of his trunk, put it on the ground in front of my car, and went to work with a drill and screws. A couple of minutes later, it was fixed. Thank you cute guy.

I ended up hanging out with the cute guy the rest of the night. He’s not my “type” really- whatever the hell that even means- but he’s cute and I like him. He has my number. We’ll see what happens.

Today I am off work and I don’t plan to leave my house unless it catches on fire. I do, however, plan to design a snazzy business card for my gay boyfriend, who just launched a house cleaning business. He is Monica from Friends. I swear to God. He’s fabulous.

I hope everyone had a fun Cinco de Drinko!

Peace and cute guys who fix things.

This being single thing is not as easy as I thought it would be. I am enjoying it- don’t get me wrong. However, I haven’t been going out as much lately, so my meeting of potential new crushes has slowed down quite a bit. Not a big deal, but I am still a woman with needs.

It’s kind of a shock to the system to go from booty on a regular basis to none at all. D. and I were good at all things naked. Some times were better than others, of course, but it was always available. That was one of my favorite things about being in a long term relationship: 24-7 booty availability. Even if you don’t utilize it, it’s there and you know it.

When my relationship ended, the sex went with it. And while there was Guy It Didn’t Work Out With and Stupid Cuteness, there hasn’t really been anything promising. And since I want to continue my lifelong avoidance of STD’s, and I would like to avoid turning my vagina into an amusement park, I’ve taken to hooking up with my ex when it’s convenient for us. Which has been surprisingly often.

The downside to me and D. continuing to horizontally mambo, is that we’re drunk most of the time (somewhere along the line we became each other’s “booty call”). Combine that with we still care about each other, and are very comfortable together and we finally ended up with carelessness in the birth control department. It was fun, it was fabulous and my neighbors hated me for it. And I was seriously worried that we’d have a permanent souvenir to show for it.

I wasn’t in panic mode just yet, but getting more worried by the day. Then I realized that my shiny new Super Phone actually had the date wrong. (I use the calendar religiously to keep my life in order.) I thought it was the 5th, when it was actually the 3rd. Not sure how that happened, but I fixed it.

Anyway- last night, at work, I felt the beginnings of the usual lower-stomach pains and have never been so happy to have them. Today everything is as it should be, and I plan to spend this fine Cinco de Mayo celebrating Mexican Independence AND Aunt Flo. Oh and I made a doctor’s appointment today to get my ass back on Depo-Provera.

Peace and condoms, condoms, condoms!

What the hell is going on with the lips of celebrities? More importantly- where the hell are the FRIENDS of these women, to tell them how fucking ridiculous they look?

This started getting on my nerves with Lara Flynn Boyle. I’ve gotten used to the fact that someone needs to tie her down and shove carbs up her ass, but when I saw her on the show “Las Vegas” with those over-inflated lips, I couldn’t stand to watch anymore. I cannot stand to watch anything with her in it. She’s way too small to have lips that big stuck to her.

The next time I was offended by a pair of face eaters was when I tuned into Boston Legal and got a load of Delta Burke’s face. What the hell happened to it? It, literally, took me almost the entire episode to realize who she even was! Is there really no one in her life who likes her enough to stage a plastic surgery intervention? Has no one taken a lesson from Joan Rivers? I can totally understand not wanting to be wrinkly and old, but come on. When you start looking like an alien version of yourself- it’s time to get some help.

I never thought I’d see this madness on Courney Cox. I guess no one is immune to the brain warping of Hollywood. She has not only done damage to her otherwise beautiful face by going overboard with the fat lip craze, she now sounds like she’s drunk when she speaks. Her lips just kind of sit there while her jaw moves around.

Last but not least… The woman who made this whole post possible… Last night, while watching Ghost Whisperer, I was visually assaulted by the “lips” of the once beautiful Nikki Cox. It was so distracting, not to mention repulsive, that I could not even tell you what the story was even about. I just kept wondering over and over again, how the hell Jay Moher LOOKS at her every day and doesn’t either laugh or cry?

The whole practice is just insane. Tweaking your face until you look like a cartoon character just doesn’t make sense to me. And how sad it must be to have no one in your life that will be honest with you. I can guarantee that if I showed up somewhere with lips twice the size of my head, my girlfriends would not hesitate to tell me to knock that shit off, AFTER they picked themselves up off the floor from laughing.

Peace and the lips God gave you.